You shouldn't hang on, it's already gone.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

School's really taking a lot of my time, plus i got tons of projects to do. Anyways, things did happened and i guess it's not pleasant by the way. Been having mixed feelings, and i don't know why people say i'm emo. Had been stuffing myself with food whenever i think of it, maybe it's my way of dealing with problems. Going ot gain weight for sure, but at least that temporary keeps me away from my problems. I heard what had happened and i don't know whether to tell you guys a not.

Really want to say something about the bus 176. Every morning, it's always filled with tons of people, and we always have to end up missing all of the bus. And thus, reporting to school late. Anyways, school's starting at seven twenty, does it make any difference? So the first lesson was art, and i guess it would really be one big yawn. It's like we have to hear miss ruth ng preach and preach and preach. I don't listen to her, i'm just too engrossed in my own conversation. She told us to draw some pictures with a 0.3 black pen. Many people saw what i've drawn, and they said it was so nice! It scared me, but i like that feeling too. I guess i can only express it out in the dark, it not me, it's you. I just haven't got used to it yet, it's just a matter of time whether i can carry on like this. I was thinking about what you all had told me, maybe you guys were right. No one can be trusted, i don't want things to be like the past.

Saw that there were less than ten guides joining this cca, and i was seriously stunned. And then anyu told me to teach all those secondary ones to march. Have to shout and shout, i guess i lost half of my voice already. A really funny thing happened when i introduced myself to the secondary ones. I said,"hello! I'm grace from 4/6, got any problem can come find me." And then anyu was like,"don't learn from this senior of yours, her name is famous among the discipline committees." I just stared blankly at her, and shouted the word lame! I asked the secondary ones what were their impression of me, and one of them said,"you look a bit fierce, and you got red hair. You never get caught by the teachers?" I just laughed it off and said i'm lucky. Anyways, during marching that time, someone suddenly cried in the squad. I don't want to say her name, and i don't know what happened.

I guess they were all just too tired of marching, you got to endure! Insyirah keep wanting to kiss me! My daughter rocks! So went home after that, and i had been worrying on whether i can go for service tomorrow a not. I've been praying to God for the past few days, and guess what? My dad reluctantly let me go! I love you God! Thank you so much! Can see the cute girl gina tay, right? Feel kind of guilty, because i didn't read the bible for two days. Holes here and there, stupid homework. They're always piling up, and i haven't been sleeping much at all. I'll faint sooner or later, it's just a matter of time. Got back three test papers already, and i don't think i did that well. I scored B4 for my english and chinese, and i almost scored a B4 for my math. It's so disappointing! I left half a mark before i can get a B4, but i guess i really tried my best. If only i hadn't re-write the answers, i would have had more time to draw my graph. It's over and there's no use gloating about it.

Delighthing minds with my shadow, rely on your way to grow. You want to decide from your cloud and that you're lost in a world that i have to repair. You want it all the greatest smile who wants to deny forever? Beneath the veil of your flow, don't try to deny with your mouth. So fine it is knowing you're under the shade. You're moving on and you'll never be a part of all my tears as i cry aloud. And it doesn't matter how you feel now, anything at all. Seems to be your only way, so vicious. On the other side it's time to go, i'm hearing your voice without words. But it doesn't matter how i feel now, anything at all. Since i've left you with the wrong impression while i'm still the same. When i turn around and look at my life, shadows in disguise. But i'm working on an interruption of hypocrisy, you're at any other side. There is something weird i wouldn't believe. I'm losing grip on my lifetime and i don't understand this wave. I'm in wrong place, no money, just responsibilities.

I wonder how can i live on and on, when you want to live in a hurry. Disappointed once and i've told myself not to fall for it again. But somehow, i was thinking of it at the same time, whether it's all coming back to me again. What if this is for real again? Wouldn't i be glad to know what would happen next? Till now, i still haven't found a solution and i'm tired of what had happened. Can't you all just accept it for the time being? It's not as if other people would speak ill of you. Times had changed, but i shouldn't be telling at these to you in the first place. Why didn't i get straight to the point? How was i to know you'll be like this? So anyways, mr methias is a really nice teacher and he's funny too! I can't get through it by myself, Lord, be there for me. Guide me through thick and thin, i'm enduring all these torments. Wanted to bring people to go for service, but they all turned me down, how sad? Hope God did see me trying hard to get people to get to know him, i won't give up!

I tried to take the first place, in my mind, i told myself that i can do it. But whenever i see the situation right in front of my eyes, everything started to back out. If i had known how to get out of solitude, i would have done it all to help you. And if i have known about the pain we caused you, i would have saved you. I better start thinking about what you've told me, you started it. You made me dislike you in the first place, things wasn't like that in the first place. I know my attitude would make things worst, that's why i choose to back out earlier. I guess it's all starting to come back to me now, i shall hope for the best that you wouldn't approach me. I walked away believing in a world that never was, can you save me from being myself? I knew it from the start that having such things wouldn't last forever, and it'll just be a memory for us. Looking back at it, i wanted to laugh. But at the same time, somehow i just wanted to cry it out.

I remember when we used to run against any threat united as one, and we faced all our fears. Time to speak or to forever be silent, it comes to a point where i can't take another lie. I think it's time i let it go, i can't hold on to it for long. If i want to, would others think the same way as me? I should have done it all so differently, i should have followed you like you wanted me. If i had known what fate would do to you. Remind me of what you said life had made you do. What did you do to make all you had fall through? Are we to blame for all the failures that are you? Or should we blame you? Can't wait for service and the steamboat, can't wait to see my church friends. Dear Lord, please guide me, i don't know what to do without you. You know what i need, help me out here. I believe in you and i have faith in you, in jesus's name i pray, amen. We are all a part of forced to live within a conspiracy for ages.

Prove that it's not a fantasy.
~~it's not the same anymore~~

1:37 AM