You shouldn't hang on, it's already gone.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

This one week holiday is coming to an end, how sad. Time past really quickly, hope this holiday won't end, wishful thinking right? Don't think I would be able to update too frequently, cause I got a feeling that school is going to take up a lot of my time, I think. Ignoring the truth, I can never seem to escape from it anymore.

Better make use of the time I have now, before it's all taken away from me! Let me see, I had a haircut on friday. The auntie cut away so much of my hair! Means she cut away some of my red hair, so sad. I told the auntie to cut away about two centimetres of my hair and then I think she cut away three centimetres of my hair. So shocked, but I'll pray that my hair would grow back fast. If not I won't have face to face people, Lord, I pray that my hair would grow back faster! The auntie there was quite friendly, and she said this to me,"xiao mei, you secondary what?" And then I said,"Guess?" She said,"secondary two?" I stared blankly at her and said,"No, secondary four." She was quite surprised thou and laughed, do I really look like a secondary two girl? I need to change, change change change! She's not the first person to say it anyways. I don't really care about what she says, but I care a lot for my hair. Nothing really much happened after that I guess, went home and tried to rush through my homework. Till now, I still got tons of homework left undone, oh no!

Have to wake up a bit early today, at around seven plus cause I'm meeting joyce tan and jiahui to go to church together! Actually I was having shepherding at nine and after that going for decor at ten. I woke up at around ten plus? Yes! Breakthrough for me! Everyone was a bit late, but it's okay. So saw jency in the mrt, and we went there together. I knew this was coming, and I had really thought about it all the time. Had shepherding and then went for decor after that. We climbed up and down, pulled the banners and did some other stuffs there. Joyce tan! Remember what you've done to my three fingers, joking joking. After that went for prayer's meet, so sad terence was sick and couldn't make it. Rest well okay? Service was fun because I'm there to worship the Lord! So went for lunch and then met most of the far northwest people, heard that they are going for house visitations. In the end, jiahui and I went to play basketball first. My God, I'm so tired out, why am I so weak? Still lost to joyce tan in arm wrestling, I won't give up okay!

After that went to fellowship with one another, jiahui and I kept taking joyce tan's pictures. Joyce tan is so cute! Anyways, went back home and here I am, still staring at my pile of homework. I'm practically worrying about stuffs which I'm not supposed to be worrying about, how ridiculous. So let's not even try, you're right. Let's ball it up and throw it out the window. It's becoming all so clear in my mind and that I've thought this thing through more than once or twice. I feel that this is my last request to you, relying on borrowed time. Sometimes I just want to shout it out and ask the Lord what have I done wrong. Is it me or is it just you? I can't seem to accept the fact, just which part of it you've done is wrong? I can't find any reason for me to carry on like that anymore. There are things left hidden inside me, Lord, only You know how I feel inside. Show me and guide me, tell me how should I be feeling now. How should I be treating people at this time, am I doing things right? I feel like this is going nowhere, and I'm misinforming you. I have faith that You can give me joy and life again.

Again I ask myself, why do I find it so hard to accept someone? I don't judge people, and the bible says in Matthew 7:1. Do not judge people or you too will be judged. I don't know why am I feeling like that at times. Having ambivalence, Lord help me out here. We often wish that we could be someone else, now I'm just looking for the exit. You did not cross the line, now the problem just lies within me. I pray for a safe place to hide, maybe it's not time yet. There's nothing left unused in here and there's nothing left to say. Acceptance is what holds us there, I want to get through it. I'm standing still waiting for this all to change. Now my hands are up, what do you expect of me? I don't know how to say this, my thoughts have just run out. In the end we tend to think of how it began. I could never explain the things I've said, and how it made me feel. I hope the Lord can feel this now, I can still feel your presence. I shouldn't be thinking about it anymore, at the same time I don't want to let go of it. Maybe it's all God's plan, He meant well for us. I was lost with vague direction until You came.

I do not know why I expect this from you in the first place. Is this going to benefit me at all? I did not do all this without a purpose, there are some things which are better left unsaid. If you want other to help you, help yourself first. There comes a time where things need to be separated, but I did not feel the same way as you. And Lord this is my prayer to You. Dear Lord, I want to thank You for bringing joy into my life. You definitely changed me a lot, and everything is possible with You. I may have encountered difficulties at different point of time, but You was always there for me. You lead me through problems and gave me solutions. Lord I pray that You will always be there for me no matter what. Because my love for You will remain as strong as ever. Thank You for everything You've done for me, I never regretted knowing You and accepting You in my life. I live life to serve and worship You, I will run a strong and faithful race which You have for me. Thank you for all You've done and in Jesus's name I pray, amen. At times like this, I realised that the best way to stay out of it is to ignore it. Random thoughts I guess, I don't know why am I feeling like this all of a sudden.

In a deep breath it all starts to change. Flip my world inside out, honestly I like it better this way. Find some comfort in this run down place, to bridge the gap of this conscious state that we live in.
~~at times I do expect much from it~~

3:57 AM