You shouldn't hang on, it's already gone.
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Sunday, April 08, 2007
Just a quick post, nowadays I hardly have time to use the computer. Plus the mid-year examinations are coming! Doesn't time flies? I am not even sure whether I am prepared for it, better be prepared for the worst. Let's see, this week seriously pass damn quickly. Lots of things happened thou, your cries are all in vain.
Let's see, our school had X-country on thursday. And I had been telling myself that I must get into the top 30 no matter what. But I am not even sure of myself, of course I told myself that I must put in 100% effort! Haven't been training or whatsoever, I just prayed that God would give me the strength to run this race. It's like I finally got a chance to run, because I had been doing duties for the past 2 years and I haven't got a chance to run at all. We arrived there late, and we have to do squats in front of everyone. And we were practically laughing as we were doing squats. Anyways, before the race started, I told myself that I MUST win it for myself and God. I remembered my dad telling me to run at a constant pace, well I guess I did heed for his advice. I ran and I ran and I ran. Finally I saw the finish line, and I just sprint through it with my eyes closed. And all I could hear was Mr lim saying,"very good grace, get your card." And I was like, yes! I was in the top 30. I looked at my card and I saw the number 13. Super proud of myself at that time man, didn't know why I teared a bit thou. Thank God for giving me the strength to run, praise the Lord.
Our class girls won the first runner-up for the whole cohort, I love you 4/6! After that ain, adeline, my sister, seri, yingzhen, puifun and I went to eat lunch. And I guess I went home and slept. Nothing really much happened after that, I was glad that my dad was proud of me! Finally. Let's see, I had been playing basketball for the past 2 days with tons of people. Whenever I see you doing things that I expect you to do, I was speechless and disappointed at myself. Why do I feel like that? Thanks dad! Thanks for buying me a new i-Pod, and guess what? It is black in colour! Oh my goodness! I wanted to give you back what you had done, but I do not know what is pulling me back? Is it my guard feeling? Does it want to tell me that something bad is going to happen when I go forth with it? What is it that you are trying to tell me? I don't want you to be disappointed again, because no one likes it and I know that. Seems like you are always hoping that we could fulfil what you had wished for us. Is that the best that I can give it to you? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? I don't see why should I carry on like this anymore.
We had easter service on saturday and there were loads of people there. Brought adeline, yilian and puifun too, but they didn't convert. But I still had fun during the service! Because we were there to praise and worship our Lord right? Had a meeting after that and we were supposed to dress up in a costume. Some people said our caregroup looked like terrorists and pirates. Quite funny thou, and then after that went to play basketball with cuizhen, guna, jiahui and jiawan. Jiahui and I kept doing my trademark whenever we scored, and then cuizhen and jiawan thought we were out of our minds. Anyways I had to go home early, slept soon after that. It was a normal day for me thou, a day which I need to study and catch up on my homework. Did some notes for my mid-year examinations and I realised that I had forgotten to bring most of my books home. And I wondered how am I going to make notes when I don't have the textbook, stupid me. I don't want to disappoint you but my actions shows it out to everyone. Whenever I set my mind towards it, I am always procrastinating things and turns out that it never satisfies anyone at all. Why can't I just concentrate and get things right at one go?
Once more I say goodbye, to you. Things happen but we don't really know why. If it's supposed to be like this, why do most of us ignore the chance to miss? Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears, I'm not feeling this situation. Run away try to find a safe place you can hide, it's the best place to be when you're feeling like this. I can't turn back time, and whenever I was given a second chance, I always screw things up. I just want to be given a second chance to set things right again. How would I know when is it right or wrong? I wasn't prepared for all those things and I am sorry for all that I had done. Maybe it is too late now, I don't see any reason for me to carry on like this. Lord, what have I done? Other people told me not to go for it and yet I was so stubborn and refused to listen to others and even You. Help me set things straight for me Lord, I am down on my knees. Can You hear me? Help me out here. I asked myself this, Why can't you just be straight up with honesty? Why do I always regret when things are gone? Run away try to find a safe place that I can hide, Lord I am crying out to You. Make my heart pure again, somehow this isn't going to lead me to my goals. Lord, give wisdom!
I don't want to be the past old me again, I hated it a lot. I looked back at the past and reflected on what I had done, everytime I did it. You pretended to look alright, but through those eyes, I can see disappointment in it. You had always expected more from me, but yet I took things for granted and you were constantly hoping that I would change for the better. When would that ever happen? After time had past and I had made new promises for you, it may sound fine but you never did look alright. You know what we had all done but you just kept your unsatisfaction deep inside you and you were hoping that we would change. I never did want to let you down, when you were not by my side. Insecurity starts to occur inside me, I just want to start things afresh now. Everytime I set new promises for myself and I let everyone down. Lord, I am tearing at times when no one is looking. Can you sense my disappointment?
I began to think back. it is too late now, what's next?
Grace Lee. 18 this year. Currently studying in Commonwealth Secondary School. I love my CCA Girl Guides. In class 1/7, 2/7, 3/6, 4/6 5/1.
27th November is my special day. Black freak. I respect all kinds of people, regardless of race or religion. Tend to get worked up whenever I hear the sound of keys ting-a-ling.
Dislike peanut butter or anything that has the word 'nut' in it. Gets high easily. Choose to vent my anger on my blog.
a new hand phone,
more clothes,
crumpler bag,
advance in my allowance,
helix piercing,
tragus piercing,
grow taller,
belt with a guitar buckle,
laptop,
do well in my studies,
new i-pod (black colour),
nike watch,
nike bag,
green/ white/ grey/ black skinny jeans,
pass O level, go poly,
more piercings,
film director,
a camera,
a new camera,
PSP,
HIM
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