You shouldn't hang on, it's already gone.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Blogger is finally back to normal! Had been very frustrated with it because of the post issue. Anyways, thank God! Looked through all my past entries, realised that majority of them are all words. I am not saying I don't like blogging with pictures or blogging on what had happened today. I just like expressing my feelings out in my entries, thou I do blog some on what had happened in my everyday stuffs. I don't know why am I saying this too, oh well don't mind me. I tend to spout out nonsense, I see who you are and who else can compare, I meant what I said.

So today has been a super, duper tiring day for me, even stayed back after school to clean up the girl guides room. And let me tell you, that place is like hell. Full of shit and insects inside there, maybe we shouldn't have ate in there in the first place. Now we are having so much difficulty cleaning up the place. I finally typed out the proposal for mrs loh, thank God she didn't say anything about it. Was going mad yesterday thinking of what to type out, didn't know being a secretary is so tough. The guides room is crawling with insects! I was stacking the books and a spider landed on my hands. Of course my first reaction was to jump up and scream non-stop, I even said that I am going to turn into a spiderwoman, how lame. It really freaked me out during that moment, so we mopped the floor and stuffs. Finished at around five plus and went to take a bus home, and I seriously felt like sleeping during the whole journey. Cool, I am beginning to like praise and worship songs more.

Well, I thought I could do better and stuffs but I guess I was so wrong. I know there is no use gloating about it but I don't even know how to face it in the future. I may be able to hide it for the time but I can't escape reality. I can't lie to myself, especially God, I got to face this problem soon. Before that, I told myself that I must do it for You, my parents and for myself. But now, everything seem so clear to me. Last time, I thought what you had said was just a saying and I did not take it too seriously. Until I came to this point of time where I start to break down, I never noticed anything in the first place. What you had said are all true, who am I lying? I can't lie through God, I know I am lacking behind. Can't I just take actions? What has meaning in life, some will ask how can this be but it doesn't seem to be the same anymore. You brought existence, to what I never thought could be. A world where eternity finds description, your eyes forever hold a memory.

The sound of silent voices surveying my thoughts, regularity defining perfection neither sorrow nor contentment. Some things never change, some things never go away. I wanted to bring You all that is in my heart, I wanted to give You my everything. But I have failed You, I have failed You so many times. How can I still stand here staring at your disbelief? All this had landed up me in this state, I never did want to say I regretted doing it. Once held undying devotion, now dead to your thoughts, undefined like your love. I heard all this things and on the outside, you may all think that it doesn't influence me or whatsoever. But deep down, do you really know how I feel? How I feel after listening and looking at those crap that you had all done, who is supposed to take over all this things after you are gone? Haven't you thought about the consequences? What would be the outcome? What is your purpose of doing this, maybe I was too harsh before. I don't know.

Whenever I thought about it, guiltiness starts to build up. Lord, won't You refresh me again? What is it that I had done wrong? I meant what I said and I promised to stand by Your side. Hearing all of them talk about it and stuffs, deep down I do care about it a lot. But on the other hand, you don't seem to care at all. I am praying for miracles to happen, maybe you just don't know me deep enough. I heard you talk about it and I don't feel good following you and stuffs. It was part of who you were and I am trying hard to accept the fact that it is all gone and never coming back. Enjoying yourself on the other side whereas I am still here finding it hard to control all these emotions. They don't get what am I feeling and I too don't get them. Anyways tuesday that time, mrs loh was so damn strange! She started to talk about Christ stuffs to me, scared the hell out of me. I can't carry on any longer, I am so tired of it.

I tried so hard to wake up from this dream, but instead I realised that I never fell asleep.

1:52 AM